Note: I have to thank Darkku who beta this for me, thank u so much, love of my life. Now, there is character death and mentions of terminal illness. So, be warned!
Dean hated hospitals.
Actually, he always hated hospitals. Hated the smell, the needles, and the noise.
But he hated it even more because Castiel was dying.
Of cancer, he was dying of cancer.
God, it wasn’t fair. It was supposed to be till death do they part. That’s what their marriage vows said.
Dean looks at Castiel, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully if his skin wasn’t so pasty white. He smiled tearfully as memories went through his mind.
He remembered his first meeting with Castiel at kindergarten, thinking he was a shy kid with pretty blue eyes.
He remembers them becoming instant best friend’s over the love of Star Wars lunchboxes.
He remembers years of phone calls, sleepovers, camping trips and movie nights.
He remembers going through elementary, junior high and high school with each other.
He remembers dating a whole bunch of girls, but none of them felt right. None of them made him feel whole.
He remembers how it was senior year when he realized he was in love with his best friend and when he asked him out to senior prom, those feelings were reciprocated.
He remembers how heartbroken he was when he came out to his father and was disowned and violently thrown out of the house. How Castiel had a similar reaction to his own family and they just held each other. Castiel always thought they should reach out to John, but Dean thought that bridge has burned down.
He remembers going through college; Castiel getting his teachers license, and Dean getting his engineering degree. Castiel becomes a teacher in elementary school while Dean opened his own garage.
How they got married after they graduated, a small ceremony, with Sam, Jess, Gabriel, Bobby, Ellen and Jo.
He remembers the good time, the hard times. The fights, the makeups, the love-making. He remembers when Sam and Jess got married. He remembers when they fully adopted Bobby (affectionate called Robbie), their son. All those beautiful things.
Then Castiel got diagnosed with cancer.
They went to two different doctors, which confirmed that Castiel had a stage 4 cancers, in an aggressive state. How they were informed that Castiel probably one had a year left to live. How Dean sobbed when he felt like his whole world was crashing down.
He remembers the huge fight they had when Castiel refused to do the chemotherapy, saying it will only delay the inevitable. How he left in such a rush of anger, after yelling to Castiel that he didn't care about their family. Dean wanted to get drunk, but all he did was drive around. How he came back, looked at Castiel and burst into tears along with him. They held each other tightly, as though the slightest movement will make the other fade away. How Robbie walked in on them and started to cry as well, though not understanding why his fathers were.
Dean remembers when they broke the news to their families.
Sam started to cry in their arms. Bobby rubbed his face as tears slowly went down. His wife, Ellen, also started to cry, but then brushed it off and took the boys in her arms, saying she will do what she can to help. Jo cried nosily behind her mother, not wanting the reality to sink in.
Telling Castiel’s family was a different story.
Castiels family was all snobs and religious freaks (except Gabriel and Anna); they never approved of Castiel’s marriage to Dean. But Castiel thought they still deserved to know. Naturally, they were shocked, but then Naomi, Castiel’s mother, said that it was punishment from God for his homosexual relationship. There was a stunned silence until Michael got up and slapped his mother in the face. It shocked everyone, considering that Michael was the good son, the one who always did what their parents said. But then, he looked at Naomi with such fury. What he said next is burned into Dean’s mind.
“How dare you, you evil woman! Your son is dying, our family is dying! And this is what you have to say?! How dare you!”
Michael then burst into tears and tried to hit his mother again, but his brothers stopped him. Michael would later be a great help as their solicitor, working out Castiel’s will and medical expenses.
As the months went by, Castiel’s health started to decline. His loss of appetite, his tiredness and he got sick so easily. Then one night, Castiel collapsed, making Dean take him to the hospital in a panic. That’s when the doctors said it.
The cancer progressed even more; Castiel won’t last a week. Dean started to sob again, even as he phoned everyone, telling them the news. One by one, they said their goodbyes.
Lucifer and Michael said there goodbyes quietly; Lucifer was stone face when he left while Michael tried to hold in tears. Gabriel’s lips wobbled as he smiled, saying goodbye to his brother. Anna tried not to sob as she kissed Castiels cheek. Naomi didn’t come at all, but she wasn’t welcomed either.
Bobby and Ellen also said goodbye, as Ellen tried not to sob too much as Bobby rubbed her back. Jo couldn’t handle it, so she stayed home. Sam tried to compose himself, but could barely form words.
Dean wanted to howl when Robbie kissed Castiels cheek and said “Good night, papa.” He then realized his son is going to grow up without Castiel.
Dean looked up and Castiel was looking at him sadly, his skin pale with the oxygen mask on his face. He looked so fragile.
“Hey, baby.” He said with a hocked voice.
“Dean.” He said again, his voice small, “I-I don’t want to die.”
Dean’s lips tremble as he took in Castiels words and gave his hand a hard squeeze. Castiel has always been calm since his diagnosis, being the voice of reason and Dean’s strength. But now, Dean could see the cracks that his husband tried to hide.
“I…I don’t want to leave you.” Castiel said, “I don’t want to leave you or Robbie or Sam or…”
Castiel then started to give weak sobs.
“I don’t want to go.”
Those words broke Dean as he climbed into his bed and took Castiel in his arms, feeling how thin he was and the bones protruding. The brunette held on weakly, resting his head on Deans chest. Both men cling to each other.
They both felt it in the air.
It was almost time.
“Dean, listen to me.”
“No, Cas…please, don’t.”
“Don’t be angry, Dean.” Castiel said softly, “We were prepared for this, we knew this was coming. You have to be strong…for Robbie.”
“I can’t do with without you, Cas.”
“You have to Dean. Please, promise me!”
“Ok, ok. I promise.”
They looked at each other and kissed desperately, filled with love, memories and sorrow.
“I love you, Dean.”
“I love you, Cas.”
They held each other until Castiels arms went slack and the heart-monitor flat lined.
All Dean could do was hold on to the love of his life.
Dean was numb.
That’s all he could feel right now.
That’s what he felt when he left Castiels room as the nurses put the sheet over Castiel. He couldn't call Sam or anyone else. He was just too numb.
He stumbled out of the hospital, trying to will the situation to sink in but he couldn’t, all he felt was the numbness.
Dean looked up and saw the last person he expected.
He hasn’t seen John Winchester since he was kicked out in his senior year. John kinda looked the same, except his hair was more salt and pepper and looked like he has gained weight.
“Dad…what are you doing here?” he asked gruffly.
“Bobby called me.” John said, “He, um, been keeping me updated since you…left.”
Dean stiffened; of course John won’t admit that he kicked him out. He felt rage go over him like a blanket.
“And now you contact me?”
“I didn’t…just didn’t know how to approach you.” John said, “How is he? Castiel?”
Grief rips into Dean; his breath hitching as his eyes burned with tears.
“C-Cas is gone, dad.”
John stared at Dean in shock and then with sorrow.
Suddenly, Dean glared at his father.
“I'm going to be better then you.”
John’s head whipped to Dean and he glared.
“What did you say to me, boy?”
There he was. That was the John Dean knew all his life.
“I’m gonna be a hell of a better father then you!” Dean yelled.
“You know why! Because Robbie is gonna remember how Cas was. I’m going to tell him how awesome he was and what a incredible man he was. I’m not going to hurt him because he looks like Cas! I’m not going to drown myself in a bottle because I want to forget. I’m going to be an awesome father because that’s what Cas would want and what I want and I-I-…”
Dean burst into tears and would have collapsed to the ground of John hadn’t run up to him and pulled him into a hug.
“Its ok, Dean. I got you, son. Let it out.” John said in a choked voice, “God, Dean, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Dean sobbed for what seemed like forever and held onto his father for support. He then stepped back and rubbed his eyes, still sniffling a bit.
John smiled tearfully and patted Dean’s shoulder.
“I know I am over 10 years too late, but I would like to get to know you again, Dean. You and Sam. My grandson. I will also like to know who my son in-law was.”
Dean looked at John and gave a small smile.
Things weren't fixed between them, not by a long shot but Dean thinks John at least deserves a chance. That’s something Castiel would have wanted. Dean still has things to do; he has to tell everyone that Castiel has passed; he needs to tell their son. He has to make funeral arrangements. He needs to say goodbye.
The road ahead was going to be rough, especially without Castiel by his side. But he will endure and think of all the good times he had with his husband and their family.
That is what Castiel would have wanted.